


I Quit

by averyhart2



Series: I Quit [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Family Issues, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2019-10-12 04:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17460653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/averyhart2/pseuds/averyhart2
Summary: Haru falls into a deep depression and isolates himself more than usual. What's going on? Can his friends save him before it's too late? TRIGGER WARNING! Also references to High Speed!





	1. Open Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time publishing any of my stories. I realize this might be very "angsty" and the characters are a bit OOC so please bear with me. I'm learning as I go along. Hope you enjoy!

Haruka sat in the bathtub staring down at the scars on his left wrist. Although he cut himself two days ago, they were still bright red. He narrowed his eyes.  _I can't let them see this, especially Makoto_. He sighed as he started to get out of the tub. Haru figured he should get dressed before Makoto got there to pick him up.  _Well, at least it's still winter so he won't see this._  The moment he stood up, he heard someone coming into the house. He quickly fell back into the water.  _What am I thinking?_ Haru knew that if Makoto found him in his room instead of the tub, he would think something was up. He closed his eyes and sank further into the water.

"Haru-chan! Come on we're going to be late!" Makoto called as he opened the bathroom door.

Haru opened his eyes slightly then glanced at his big teddy bear of a friend, "Ohayo."

"Ah, Haru-chan," Makoto chuckled, "you're still wearing your swimsuit in the bath I see. Well, I guess it can't be helped."

"Drop the '-chan' Makoto," he said bluntly.

"Hai, hai."

Makoto held out his hand. Haru internally thanked him for holding out his right instead of the left. Haru was still in the process of deciding if he should even tell Makoto what he's done.

"Oi, Haru. Are you okay?" Makoto leaned in closer to him.

"Huh?" He then realized that he had been staring at their hands that were still linked together.

Makoto smiled, "Nothing. Come on, we're going to be late."

Haru nodded, took the towel off the rack, draped it over his head, and went in his room to get dressed. Makoto tilted his head to the side.  _Haru's not going to make mackerel today?_

* * *

Haru and Makoto were sitting in their math class. Haru was falling sleeping with is left hand supporting his head. Makoto turned and glanced at his friend. He smirked. Haru looked absolutely peaceful. When Makoto was about to look back at the teacher, he noticed something off. Haru's sleeve slid down almost an inch. Just enough for his scars to be exposed. Makoto jumped at the sight. When he did, he accidentally hit his desk with his knee.

"Tachibana? Is there something wrong?" the teacher said.

"U-uh, may I use the restroom?"

"Go ahead, be back soon."

"H-hai."

Makoto quickly exited the classroom and went to the bathroom. He stood in front of the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He had broken out in a sweat.  _Was I seeing things? No, those were definitely scars. Has Haru been cutting himself? No, he can't be. He just can't be._ He started tearing up.

"Why didn't he tell me?" Makoto yelled.

"Makoto-senpai?" Rei stood there in the entrance of the bathroom watching him.

Makoto saw Rei's reflection and wiped his face with his sleeve, "Rei, you surprised me."

"I should be the one saying that. Are you all right?"

_Crap, I have to think of something fast._ "Y-yes. Just stressed. Nothing to worry about," he said with a gentle smile.

He walked past Rei and back to class. Rei watched him as he did.  _Makoto-senpai said 'Why didn't he tell me?' I wonder who he was talking about._  He shrugged, assuming he should probably leave the matter alone.

Back in the classroom though, Makoto was still panicking to himself. He took another look at Haru who was finally awake. His arms were now crossed on top of the desk. He could see Makoto watching him from the corner of his eye but tried to ignore him. He just didn't feel like talking more than he normally did. This actually had been going on for weeks. He'd been getting quieter and quieter but no one seemed to notice. On top of that, he had also been eating less.  _I'm not missing meals on purpose,_  he'd tell himself. His excuse to himself was, "I have too much on my mind." It was taking a toll on him. Haru was sleeping less at night and more during the day.

Makoto tried to get his attention,

"Haru-"

"Okay guys, that's it for today! Have a good day," the teacher said as she began cleaning the board.

Haru stood up and grabbed his things. "Hey, Haru-" but he was interrupted once again.

"I'm not coming to practice," Haru said in a hushed tone.

"Eh?"

"I'll be leaving first."

"Ah! But Haru-" but it was too late. Haru was already out of the room. Makoto sighed,  _I really need to talk to you Haruka._

That day, the team was scheduled to have a joint practice with Samezuka High School.

When the Iwatobi's team arrived, Rin went to greet them, "See you guys could make it. Right now we're just-...wait, where Haru?" He was looking right into Makoto's eyes. Makoto tensed up.

"Haru-chan went home Rin-chan!" Nagisa said in a whining voice. Makoto was glad Nagisa spoke up. His mind was still elsewhere.

Rin just blinked, "Haru's missing practice? That's not like him." Rin looked at Makoto again. Now he  _had_  to say something, "U-uh yeah, he had to study for our math exam," he said with a nervous laugh.

Rin raised an eyebrow but decided not to advance on Haru's whereabouts. "Well whatever, come on let me take you to the locker rooms."

* * *

As Makoto was packing his things in the locker room at the end of practice, Rin came in already dressed and his bag hanging across his body.

"Yo," he said

Makoto jumped, "R-rin, you scared me!" He observed Rin for a second, "Rin, aren't you going back to the dorms? Why do you have all your stuff?"

Rin shook his head as he sat down on the bench, "Nah, it's Friday so I'm going home." Rin watched Makoto nervously zip his bag.  _Maybe something at home is making him nervous._ "Hey, Makoto? Are you going home?"

"No, I'm going over to Haru's."

"I'm coming with you."

"Eh!?" He hadn't expected Rin to tag along. "Why? I thought you lived in the other direction."

Rin stood up and put his hands in his pockets, "I do but I want to ask Haru something. He hasn't been answering his cell."

_Does Rin know about the situation too? Did Haru tell him? Ugh! Haru, what's going on?_

The walk was almost dead silent.  _What's Makoto so tense about? I doubt Haru did anything to make him_ _ **this**_   _nervous._ When they reached the house, Makoto opened the door to darkness. There were no lights on or any sound of life. Makoto slowly started to make his way in when Rin pulled on his shirt, "Yo, you sure we should be going in like this? I mean, if Haru isn't here-"

Makoto whispered, "But he  **should**  be here." He had a bad feeling about the situation.

"Haru?" Rin called out while he walked further into the house. "Haru are you home?" There was no answer. Then he faced Makoto, "Told you he wasn't home," he let out a sigh, "Let's go."

Right at that moment, they heard the sound of water. Makoto hastily pushed past Rin and made his way to the bathroom. Rin followed closely behind. Makoto steadily opened the door. Both of their eyes widened at the sight. There he was. Haru, laying in the tub with his eyes closed. "Haru?" Makoto broke the silence first. There was no response. He rushed over to his side. "Haru! Haru! Wake up Haru!"  _Please, Haru. Please wake up._ Rin stood in the doorway and turned on the light. From there, he could see a clear view of how lifeless Haru looked in the water. "No…" he said to himself. "No, this is just like the river accident." This, however, was different. The situation was worse than they thought it was.

_**To be continued…** _


	2. Confused & Angry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize that the last chapter was actually moving faster than I intended. Also, (a little off topic) when I was writing the chapter, I had the song "When It Rains" by Paramore stuck in my head lol. Go figure. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!

_8 pm_ :

Haruka laid in the hospital bed. He was hooked up to multiple machines. There was an IV going into his left arm and he wore an oxygen mask. Makoto sat by the bed, clutching onto Haru's right hand with his head down. Rin stood off to the side, away from it. His eyes were fixated on how dead Haru looked, even down to his purple lips that were just now starting to get their color back. Rin was still thinking about what had happened.

~Flashback~

"Haru! Haru! Wake up Haru!"  _Please, Haru. Please wake up._  Rin stood in the doorway and turned on the light. From there, he could see a clear view of how lifeless Haru looked in the water. "No…," he said to himself. "No, this is just like the river accident." Haru looked absolutely broken and Rin was frozen. Thank goodness Makoto broke the ice,

"Rin! Call someone!" Makoto screamed with tears streaming down his face.

"R-right," Rin said as he pulled out his phone. He couldn't stop shaking.  _Haru, what's happening?_  Now he knew how Makoto must have felt when they found Haru in the river all those years ago.

"119, what is your emergency?"

"M-my friend, h-he's unconscious. He w-won't wake up. Please send h-help," Rin couldn't help but trip over his words. Even when they found Haru in the river, he didn't look  **this**  helpless.

After he got off the phone, Makoto was no longer calling Haru's name. He was quietly sobbing as he watching his friend's breathing become slower and slower until they were just shallow gasps of air.

While in the ambulance, Makoto kept whispering "I'm sorry Haru."

~End of Flashback~

"I'm sorry Haru," Makoto said once again.

There was a slight sound of a door creaking open as the doctor walked in. Makoto jumped up. He and Rin both stood in front of the doctor. "Ah, I'm assuming you're the ones who brought Nanase-kun?" They both nodded. "Well, it seems like Nanase was suffering from malnutrition and dehydration which would explain the fainting, difficulty breathing, and his fever among the other symptoms." Rin took a quick glance over at Haru before the doctor started speaking again. "May I ask you two a question?" They nodded. "Has Nanase-kun been acting differently? Say, done anything out of the ordinary? I'm only asking because of the..." He looked at Haru's left arm,"No, I'll explain everything once he's conscious." He looked back up at the boys.

"Nanase-kun should be waking up soon. I need to ask him a few questions."

"He's going to okay right?" Makoto said with glassy eyes.

The doctor nodded as he looked down at the charts in hand, "Nanase-kun should be fine. We'll have to keep him here for a few days, of course, but he should be just fine." With that, he turned to leave, "I'll be back to check on him later. Have a good day."

"Have a good day," Rin and Makoto said in a hushed voice, watching the doctor leave.

As soon as he left, the faint sound of the heart monitor became louder. The boys raced over to Haru's side. He began to open his eyes. The bright light felt like it was burning his retinas. "Ugh..." he groaned, wishing that it was still dark. He felt something like plastic on his face. It was hot and it was forcing air into his body. Haru reached up and attempted to remove the oxygen mask. "Haru No!" Makoto yelled. Haru jumped a little at his voice. He dropped his hand back onto the bed and looked at his friends with his eyes barely open.

Rin's voice cracked, "Haru..."

Haru interrupted, taking long breaths in between each word, "Where...am...I?"

"You're in the hospital. We found you passed out in the tub."

Haru looked the other way.

"Haru, what happened? What's going on?"

"Nothing."

Makoto raised his voice, "It's not 'nothing'!" He took a breath and touched Haru's hand, "Please, tell us what's going on? The doctor told us you were dehydrated and dealing with malnutrition. That's not like-"

"I said...it's...nothing," he said, still looking off to the side.

"But Haru-"

Haru shut his eyes, turned his head, and looked Makoto in the eyes, "Please...stop." His eyes were more than glassy; they were like lonely oceans, as if he were about to breakdown at any moment. His bright blue irises were rimmed in red. His sweat plastered his bangs to his face.  _Please Makoto, please just drop it. Stop looking at me with pity. Just please, stop._ Makoto sighed and grabbed his bag, "Okay Haru, I'll see you tomorrow." With that, he left the room. Rin, who had been standing there the entire time, looked up and saw him leave. He peeked head out the doorway just in time to see Makoto punch the wall with the sound of a soft sob. When he came back in the room, he looked up to Haru laying there with his eyes closed. Rin's voice quivered as he paced his way over,

"H-haru."

He opened his eyes as much as he could, "Rin, I'm...quitting...the swim...team."

Rin stopped in place and furrowed his brows, "What?"

"I'm...done with...swimming."

Rin balled up his fists. His frustration was beginning to take over, "What do you mean you're quitting!? You can't just quit! You love swimming! Oi, what's up with you lately?"

He shifted his eyes away again, "Nothing." The sound of the heart monitor was getting louder.

He snapped, "Haruka! Stop saying 'nothing'! Obviously, something's going on and you're not telling us! If it weren't for us, you would be  **dead**!" He then realized what he said. It was true. If Makoto and Rin would've shown up later or not have gone to his house at all, there was a grave possibility that Haru would've died. While Rin was coming back to his senses, he also noticed that the only sound in the room was the monitor. Haru wasn't making any noise. Even his breathing was barely audible. "Haru, are you ignoring me?" Rin said, getting closer to the bed. His was getting annoyed all over again by the boy's lack of response until Haru's body began to shake violently. "Haru? Haru, what-" Doctors rushed into the room, almost pushing Rin out of the way. One woman held down Haru's arm and hollered, "We need to sedate him! He's going through a hyponatremic seizure! His sodium levels are  **still**  too low!" Rin's legs felt like jelly watching his best friend laying in a hospital bed, holding onto his life. A tear rolled down his cheek.  _Haru, no. This can't be real._

* * *

_11 pm:_

Rin laid on his bed, face down into the pillow when his phone vibrated. He slowly reached over to see who texted him. It was a message from Makoto:

" _Sender: Tachibana Makoto  
_ _Received: 11:23 pm  
_ _Subject: Haru_

_Rin, are you coming to the hospital tomorrow with me?"_

Rin sat up and threw his phone across the bed.  _How can he be so calm about this!?_ All Rin could think about was the sight of Makoto slamming his fist against the wall and Haru surrounded by doctors, trying desperately to control his body.

**Meanwhile...**

Makoto was sitting on his bed in fetal position, clutching onto his phone in his clammy palm. Although he wasn't there to see what Rin saw, he still couldn't believe that Haru, the boy that he's known since grade school, the one that he used as protection, the one that was always there for him, was clearly enduring a lot of physical and mental pain right now and refused to say why.  _Haru, I thought I knew you better. Just explain, I'm begging you._ He drew his legs in closer.  _I don't want to lose you_   _ **Haru-chan**_.

_**To be continued...** _

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "This chick is a sadist!" I'm not, I swear. It's all for the sake of the storyline. By the way, a hyponatremic seizure is one caused by low sodium levels. His low sodium levels are caused by his malnutrition and dehydration. Just wanted to clear that up. I tried to do as much research as possible.
> 
> Also, I apologize if I made any mistakes. But that's it for now! Hope you see you guys in the next chapter!


	3. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru: Why did you make me sound so depressing?
> 
> Me: It's for the sake of the story.
> 
> Haru: ...you're a sadist.
> 
> Me: No no no! I'm not! I'm really not a sadist!
> 
> Haru: Then prove it.
> 
> Me: How?
> 
> Haru: Fix this situation.
> 
> Me: Pfft, Haru you're so funny. *turns to audience* hope you guys enjoy the story!
> 
> Haru: I'm not enjoying this.
> 
> Me: *looks at Haru* Shh...be quiet.

* * *

_Three days later - 7 am:_

Makoto was walking up the sidewalk that was blanketed in snow, towards school. The icy flakes fell on his face. He was staring at the ground until he heard a high pitched voice behind him.

"Mako-chan! Mako-chan!" He turned around to see Nagisa running up to him.

"Ohayo Nagisa."

When Nagisa finally caught up, he doubled over, trying to catch his breath, "Ohayo Mako-chan." He stood up straight and started to walk backward in front of Makoto. "When is Haru-chan coming back to school? It's been forever!"

Makoto gave a small smile, "It's only been three days. I'm sure he'll be back to full health soon."

~Flashback~

The day after Haru had the seizure, Makoto went to go visit him. Rin decided not to go. He was too shaken up from seeing his friend in that condition. He even refused to leave his bedroom. When Makoto came into the hospital room, Haruka was sleeping peacefully. He no longer needed the mask but he was still hooked up to an IV. Makoto sat next to the bed and touched Haru's hand. He felt it twitch a little at his touch. "Haru-chan? Are you awake?" When there wasn't an answer, he just watched his friend's slow breaths. At that moment, the doctor walked in, "Oh, ohayo gozaimasu. I'm just here to take Nanase-kun's vitals." Makoto simply nodded while still keeping his eyes on Haru. He looked up at the doctor when he started taking Haru's blood pressure. "How's he doing?"

The doctor glanced up to meet Makoto's eyes then back down at the machine, "Well, for someone who had a seizure like he did, I'd say he's doing pretty go-"

"Haru had a seizure!?" Makoto jumped up, still holding onto Haru's hand.

The doctor looked back at him, "Oh I apologize. I thought your friend would've told you." He took a slight pause as he finished taking Haru's blood pressure, "Yes, Nanase-kun here was dealing with acute hyponatremia which means that his sodium levels were very low. It seemed like they had already dropped by the time he got here." He began checking Haru's temperature. "By the way, I wanted to ask you something."

Makoto was still trying to fathom the idea of his best friend going through that, "Y-yes, anything." His clutch on Haru's hand got tighter.

"As I started to say yesterday, has Nanase-kun been acting any differently? Maybe like, avoiding to eat and whatnot?"

He was getting nervous, "Why?"

"Well, I'm just going off the signs. I have a suspicion that Nanase-kun may be anorexic that could possibly stem from depression. That would explain the malnutrition, dehydration, fainting, low sodium levels, everything..." He turned over Haru's left arm to expose his wrist, "...including these." Makoto bit his lip. He didn't want to come to terms with the reality that Haruka cut himself. Most of them weren't as bright as he remembered them, except for a word he carved into his arm, " **FREE** " _._   _He must've done that right before we found him._ _We should've come sooner! This is all my fault! This is **my** fault! I should've been there for_  _him! I should've skipped practice!_

He tried to pull himself together, "H-he hasn't been eating right lately. He's..." he stopped to wipe his tears, "...been avoiding people too." He couldn't speak anymore. It started to hurt; like each word was stabbing him in the heart.

The doctor could see the pain written all over his face. He held up his hand, "It's quite all right. You don't have to push yourself. I think I know what's going on now." He put the equipment away, "I'll be back later," and left the room. Makoto immediately broke down. He fell back into his seat and laid his head down on Haru's hand. Makoto began crying uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry Haru-chan! I'm sorry! I should've been there to stop you from doing this to yourself! This is all my fault!"

Haru spoke softly, "Nothing's your fault. And please...don't tell anyone."  _I don't want their pity._

_~End of Flashback~_

It was becoming harder and harder not to tell Nagisa and Rei what was happening. Nagisa kept asking and he could tell that Rei was getting suspicious. Nagisa stopped, "Mako-chan?"

Makoto broke out of his daze, "Huh? Oh, I'm sorry Nagisa. What were you saying?"

"I said, let's go see Haru-chan after practice!"

Makoto brushed his bangs out of his face, "I can't."

Nagisa puffed out his cheeks, "Why not?"

He closed his eyes and sighed, "I have to run some errands for my parents."

The shorter boy turned around to face the school, "Awww, okay."

* * *

_1 pm:_

Haruka was sitting up, looking out the window.  _It's snowing again. I wonder what everyone is doing today. Ah, right, it's Monday so they're probably going to practice at Samezuka. I wish I could just dive into the water and float away from everythi- No, I can't._ He looked down at his scars.  _I'm useless. I only hold the team back. They're better off without me there. The best times, that's all that matters to them._ He was losing himself. His eyes were becoming full of tears.  _Times, that's why Rin hated me; that's why Rei and Nagisa get upset when we lose; that's why Makoto keeps pushing. Ugh! What's wrong with me? I'm selfish! All I cared about was being free and it caused them pain!_ Haru made a fist and stared at the word in his arm.  _I deserve the pain that I caused them._ His face became hot with tears.  _I don't want to do this anymore._ _  
_

The doctor walked in with a concerned look written on his face. "Nanase-kun?" He sat down by Haru's side.

Haru moved his gaze to the doctor, "Yes?"

"I need to speak with you."

* * *

_One week later:_

Haru had been released from the hospital for two days. It was of "spring" break. It didn't matter that it was still cold outside; according to the calendar, it was spring. He was in his room reading his new bottle of medication. Haru frowned at the label: "Take one tablet daily."  _I don't need this._  There was a knock on the door. He set the bottle back down on his dresser and left the room, heading towards the front door while he pulled his sleeves down. When he slid the door open, he saw Rin standing there with a solemn expression, "Yo."

Before Haru could respond, Rin started making his way past him and into the house. "What are you doing here Rin?"

"I'm checking on you, duh. You can't scare me like that and not expect me to come to check on you."

Haru hated that. He felt as though he didn't need to be treated like a child. He looked at Rin, "I'm fine."

Rin turned to meet Haru's bright blue eyes, "Haruka, stop it." He then continued on further into the house.

Haru closed the door and followed him. Rin went into Haru's bedroom and sat on the floor, leaning against the bed. Haru stood in the doorway, "Rin."

"I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you."

Haru stood next to him, "Don't."

Rin raised an eyebrow and rolled his eyes, "Ya know, you kinda make that difficult." He paused, "Why are you quitting?"

"I don't want to swim anymore."

He leaned forward and looked at Haru, "That's not a good reason and you know it. I'm not Makoto. I'm not leaving til I hear the truth."

Haru sighed, "That is the truth."

Rin slammed his fist on the floor, "Haruka! I-" there was another knock on the door, "Go ahead, answer it. I'm not moving."

Haru went to answer the door again. After a while, he started to come back to his room.  _I can't believe someone got the wrong address. My house stands alone for pete's sake._ When he came back in, he saw Rin standing at his dresser with his pill bottle in Rin's hand.

Rin was reading the label on the container, "So Haru, what's this for?"

_**To be continued...** _


	4. I Don't Need Help

Rin was reading the label on the container, "So Haru, what's this for?"

Haru hesitated, "It's nothing. Put it down."

Rin looked closer, "Ol-ep-tro?"

"Rin," Haru stood next to him and tried to take it from him, "give it to me."

Rin rose his eyebrow in curiosity and held the hand holding the bottle up in the air so Haru couldn't reach, "Now I really want to know."

"I said it's nothing. Just give it to me!" Haru was getting very annoyed. He didn't want anyone to know about the medication he was supposed to be taking. He tried once more to grab the bottle from Rin's hand. When he did, Rin caught hold of his forearm, "Haruka! You're not going to keep lying to me!"

Haru began to let himself get carried away, "Rin! Stop it!" He tried to reach again. He completely disregarded that Rin still had hold of his arm so the more he tried to stretch his arm, the further his sleeve slid down. Rin glanced over and saw all the scars on his arm. He dropped the bottle and just stared at them,

"H-haru," Rin looked him in the eyes and spoke with a nervous quiver, "what are these?"

When he looked back at the scars, Haru followed Rin's eyes and tensed up.  _Damn it! No, he can't see this!_ Haru tried to get out of Rin's grasp but he was holding on tight. The longer Rin stared, the harder Haru tried to pull away. Eventually, Rin let go. Haru pulled his arm in close to his body and rubbed the part that was in Rin's hand. Soon as Haru looked up, Rin lunged forward and embraced him so tightly, he could hardly breathe.

"Haru," Rin started tearing up, "tell me what's happening! Why are you doing this? What's wrong?"

Haru's shoulder was becoming soaked with tears.  _Rin, please stop crying. I can't handle it._  "I don't want to cause you more pain," he whispered. His thoughts leaked right out of his mouth. _  
_

Rin pulled back, just enough to get a look at Haru, "What?" He sniffed.

Haru was facing the floor and kept a soft voice, "I can't. I can't do this." He fell out of Rin's hands and onto his knees. He was utterly dazed. Haru never knew what he would do in this situation. Rin wasn't a person he could just keep saying no to like Makoto. He covered his face with his hands, "I can't do this."

Rin kneeled down in front of Haru and furrowed his brows, "You can't do what?"

Tears were seeping out from under his palms, "I deserve all the pain I caused you guys! Rei! Nagisa! Makoto! And you!"

Rin's eyes widened at this.  _Has he really been blaming himself for everything?_ He reached forward to try to touch his hand, "Haru I-"

Haru moved away from Rin's hand, "Don't touch me." He couldn't stop the flow of tears escaping through the gaps between his fingers, "I don't want your pity. I just wanted to free but look where that's gotten me."

Rin leaned in closer and hugged him. He hugged him so hard that he almost knocked Haru over. Haru tried to fight back. "Haru, I'm not letting go. I won't let you go anywhere."

Haru stopped moving, "You guys are better off without me. You don't need me."

Rin's hold got tighter, "Stop it! We all need you!  **I**  need you!"

"You don't. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have gone to Australia. You wouldn't have been lonely. You wouldn't have hated all of us when you returned."

"Haruka-"

"You wouldn't have had to deal with all that pain!-"

"Haruka!"

Haru sat there silently in Rin's arms breathing heavily.  _I can't believe it. What was I thinking? Now he'll only think less of me now! Why did I even open my mouth!?_

Rin interrupted his thoughts, "You're wrong. I put all of that on myself. That was my pride. It wasn't your fault." He let go to see Haru's now uncovered face, "Everything that's happened, the reason I left, the reason I treated you so badly, had nothing to do with you. That was my own problem, not your's. And I doubt none of the others blame you either."

Haru's arms laid limp on his sides. He shifted his bloodshot eyes away from Rin.  _He's lying. He has to be._

"If it weren't for you, I would've quit swimming a long time ago. Look at me."  _I have a feeling that these scars weren't the only things he's been hiding._

Haru rose his eyes to see the worried expression on Rin's face.

"Tell me everything."

"Promise not to tell."  _It's bad enough that you know. I've never met someone that could make me breakdown like that._

It was a hard thing to promise considering that Rin knew that the others were concerned as well, especially Makoto. Rin nodded.

Haru lowered his eyes and looked over at the pill bottle laying on the floor beside them, "Those. You asked what those were right?"

The mention of the bottle caught Rin off guard a bit. He completely forgot about it, "H-hai."

"They're antidepressants..."

"Antidpres-"

"...and they're a sedative to make me sleep at night."

Rin's curiosity was growing.  _What else is Haru keeping to himself?_ "You don't sleep?"

Haru shook his head and began telling Rin everything. Rin sat there on Haru's bedroom floor with his legs folded facing Haru. His eyes grew with each word that left Haru's mouth. He made sure not to show how surprised he was for Haru's sake. He just needed someone to listen to him and for once, Rin was giving him that opportunity. This is was the first time that Rin ever dealt with a situation like this. His best friend is hurting; he could easily acknowledge that. He had to keep telling himself,  _Now isn't the time for comments._  They sat there for hours. Haru was hoping that this was all a nightmare. He still felt uneasy about Rin knowing all of this. By the end, Rin had convinced Haru to take the medication.

* * *

_2 am:_

Rin decided to stay over. He was laying on the floor with a blanket and pillow next to Haru's bed. He kept tossing and turning.  _I do not have to pee. I do **not**  have to pee... Damn it, I have to pee._ He finally got up and made his way to the bathroom. As he was walking down the hallway, he noticed the bathroom door was closed and the light shone from under it. He got closer to the door and whispered, "Haru?" Rin didn't hear anything so he tried again, "Haru?" There was still no answer from the opposite side of the door so this time he knocked, "Oi, Haru are you okay in there?" He heard something hit the ground.  _What the hell is he doing in there?_ Rin started to feel bothered by this so he started to push the door open.

Rin opened the door to see his friend sitting on the floor with his back up against the tub. He also had his head leaning back on the porcelain edge with closed eyes. Rin automatically went into full panic mode.

"Haru!" He hastily made his way to Haru's side.

"Shh."

Rin didn't know that he was still conscious. He blinked in surprise, "Huh?"

"Keep your voice down. You're too loud." He opened his eyes just enough for Rin to see the blue ocean in them.

"What do you mean keep my voice down!? You're the one that got me all worried! What's wrong with you anyway? Why are you so pale?"

Haru smirked a little but it quickly disappeared, "Nothing's wr-"

Rin gave him a cold stare, "Don't you even dare."

Haru's eyes closed, "I think...my sodium is low again."

Rin's thoughts rewinded all the way back to the day of Haru's seizure. He couldn't help thinking about Haru's body was shaking violently or how he was the colour of a corpse. Rin thought Haru was going to die on the spot. Without a word, Rin's immediate concern took control as he took out his phone. Haru reopened his eyes and saw Rin dialing something on his phone, "What are you doing?

Rin didn't even bother to look, "You need to go back to the hospital. You might have another seizure."

"I'm not," He took the phone out of Rin's hand. Haru's hand was shaking a bit.

Rin shot a glare at Haru with fear engraved in his eyes, "But what if you do! What then!?"

When he rose his voice, Haru felt like he was getting hit in the head with a brick. His head was throbbing more than it was before Rin came in.

"I'm not. Calm down. It's just..." he took a deep breath, "...the medication. Don't worry." He gave Rin a small smile. Rin hadn't seen him actually smile in months. It shocked him a bit. "U-uh-"

"Go back to bed Rin."

He stood up, "I can't just leave you on the bathroom floor."

"Rin, it's fine just..." his words trailed off as his eyes closed and his head fell to the side. Rin tensed up at this sight.

"Haru?" He bent down and shook the boy's shoulder, "Hey Haruka, are you okay?" When he got closer, he heard the soft breaths coming out of Haru's mouth. Rin smirked and began to lift him up, "Geez, you can't fall asleep here of all places."

He carried Haru into the bedroom and gently placed him on the bed. After he set him down, he stood there in the darkness for a moment, observing Haru's body. Since Haru only had sweatpants on, Rin could see how frail his friend had gotten over the past months. He could almost see the outline of each rib. Haru's collarbone was also a lot more visible and even his arms seemed to be thinner.  _Haru, you need help whether you want it or not and I think it's time the others knew about this too._

* * *

_Two days later:_

Makoto and Rin finally dragged Haru out the house for a trip to the amusement park with the rest of the gang for their last day off. Haru still didn't feel completely comfortable coming out like this but the shark and orca weren't really giving him an option. It started out peaceful. Makoto was calmly trying to convince Haru that he should come out and hang with the team. Haru at the time was still laying in bed with his back facing his friends. The more Haru said no, the more Makoto begged and was close to giving up. Rin just became irritated and  **literally**  dragged him out of bed, "Haru, you're coming with us! Now get dressed!"

As the walked through the park, Haru was looking at the ground and sighed,  _I can't believe they forced me to come here._ When he looked up, he saw the smiles plastered onto his friends faces.  _Well, at least they're happy._

After some time, they ended up in the water park section. Nagisa's eyes grow large and he started bouncing. "Guys! Guys! Guys! Let's do that!" He pointed at a large slide that had to have been a hundred feet tall with tons of twists and turns. Rei and Rin simply nodded.

Makoto quickly agreed, "Yeah, that looks like fun!" Everyone seemed on board with the idea, except for Haru. It wasn't that he disagreed; he was just zoned out. Makoto leaned over his shoulder, "Haru?"

Haru blinked and turned to his friend, "Huh?"

Makoto smiled, "Want to get on the slide with us?"

Without a second thought, Haru agreed. Nagisa ran over and grabbed Haru's hand, "Yay! I'm gonna share an inner tube Haru-chan!"

Rei interrupted, "Hey! What about me?"

Nagisa looked over at him with a blank look, "They have single ones too Rei-chan."

Makoto and Rin burst out laughing. Rei blushed so hard that his whole face turned red. Nagisa completely missed the point. It was the tent incident all over again.

* * *

_Later that day:_

It was starting to get dark so all the fluorescent lights lining the booths and the rides turned on. Suddenly there was a loud grumble. Everyone looked at Haru. They all started laughing. Haru just there with an expressionless face looking down at his stomach. When Makoto finished, he rubbed the back of his head, "I guess we should probably get something to eat. What do you guys want?"

Rei began to speak up, "How about-"

"Pizza!" Nagisa yelled.

Makoto started walking and looking around, "Okay let's find somewhere."

Rei pouted and mumbled, "Why am I always ignored?" Then he followed after Makoto with Nagisa by his side.

Rin stayed behind with Haru as they walked. While the others were looking around, these two were silent. A few minutes later, Haruka looked over at Rin who was walking with his hands in his pockets. "Hey, Rin."

Rin met his eyes, "Huh?"

"I'm going to the bathroom."

Before Rin could reply, Haru had already walked away.  _Why is it that he only moves fast when he wants to?_ Rin caught up with the other three. Rei noticed the missing person first, "Where's Haruka-senpai?"

"He said he had to go the bathroom. Let's just pick a place and text him where we are. I'm starving too."

Makoto shrugged, "We could do that. He shouldn't be long."

Fifteen minutes past. They were sitting in a pizza place waiting for their order. "Did anyone text Haru-chan?" Nagisa said. Rei and Makoto spoke in unison, "I did."

Makoto frowned, "I texted him twice actually."  _I wonder if he got lost but, that still isn't like him. He would've at least contacted us._

"How far away could he be? The bathroom isn't that far," Rin said with a raised eyebrow.

Nagisa stood up, "I'm gonna look for him. Detective Nagisa on the case!"

He weaved his way through the park looking for places Haru might have been. Basically, anywhere that involved anything related to water. When five minutes past, he decided it was time to call him.  _Haru-chan can't still be using the toilet._  He called and called but Haru didn't answer. The phone just rang continuously without any interruption. He stayed persistent with his search for Haru until he saw a figure sitting on a bench, hunched over, with his hand supporting his head. "Haru-chan!" Nagisa instantly brightened up as he ran over to his friend although, the closer he got, he noticed that Haru didn't look so good.

He sat down next to the dolphin, "Haru-chan? You okay? I tried calling you. We thought we lost you!"

Haru looked over at him and gave a weak smile, "I'm sorry Nagisa. We can go now." He slowly stood up with a grim expression.

Nagisa circled around to stand in front, facing him. He leaned in with his hands behind his back, "You 'kay?"

Haru nodded and rubbed his temple, "I'm just a little dizzy. Nothing to worry about."

As they were walking, Nagisa kept glancing over at him.  _Haru-chan looks really skinny._ _I wonder if he's on a diet or something. I hope he's not. Gou-chan would be upset if he lost his muscle._ "Haru-chan?"

"Hm?"

"Are you on a diet?"

Haru jumped, "No."

"Then why are you so skinny?"

_**To be continued...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so before anyone asks questions, low sodium and dizziness are side effects of the type of antidepressant Haru is taking. It's for the sake of where I plan the story to head. Btw, I chose this particular medication so I can base his reactions off of personal experience. Sorry!
> 
> Haru: You're doing it again.
> 
> Me: Are you in pain?
> 
> Haru: Well, no...
> 
> Me: Then I'm not doing anything so hush.
> 
> Haru: But-
> 
> Me: Hope you guys enjoyed the story! See you in the next chapter!


	5. The Truth

"Then why are you so skinny?"

He didn't answer. Haru was running out of things to say. He definitely couldn't tell Nagisa the truth. He knew that Nagisa admired him for a reason that Haru could understand. He was like a little brother to him. The more Haru thought about this, the angrier he got at himself.  _Ugh! What am I supposed to do? I'm so far in that I'm drowning and I can't get out._

Nagisa started to whine, "Haru-chan~"

" **Drop it,** " Haru unintentionally snapped. He stopped walking when he realized this.  _Crap._ He turned around to see Nagisa standing there with a shocked expression.

"Haru-chan."

"There you are!" Then both turned to see Rei running towards them. He stopped in front of them to catch his breath, "Makoto-senpai pointed out how long you two were gone so we thought something happened." He took one glance at their faces, "Did something happen?"

Haru didn't say a word. Instead, he walked past Rei, "I'm going to find Makoto and Rin."

Rei watched him pass by then he turned towards the penguin, "Nagisa?"

"Rei-chan, I think something's wrong with Haru-chan."

"I've had the same suspicion for a while now. Haru-senpai has been acting differently and it isn't beautiful."

Nagisa puffed out his chest, "It's time to investigate!"

* * *

_That night:_

Haru sat in the bathtub with the bottom half of his face submerged in the water. He had to have been in the tub for over an hour now. He didn't feel like moving. The icy temperature felt not only wonderful but relaxing at the same time. He didn't want to think about anything. No matter what he thought of, it would mess with his emotions, especially after what's been going on. He regretted telling Rin even the slightest thing. Rin was the single person who knew that the situation was much more than just times but still had a lot to do with being free. The night that Haru broke down in front of his friend, Haru could recognize the look on the boy's face. He shifted in the water and brought his knees up to his chest.  _Rin, I know you must have a lot of questions. I just randomly said what was on my mind. Things didn't make sense. I was just talking and not really thinking... But do I want him to know every detail?_  A quick flash of today's event with Nagisa went.  _No_ , _though I have a feeling that someone's going to start asking questions soon even if it's not Rin._ Haru pulled his legs in closer.  _This is why I just need to stay away from them. Nothing goes wrong when I'm not around to cause it. I should've tried harder to stay home._ He thought some more.  _Actually, I don't think I want to go to school. What's the point?_ Just then, his cell phone began to ring. He sighed and got out of the tub to walk over to it. He looked at the screen, "Incoming Call: Mother". He put the phone to his ear, "Why are you calling so late?"

"Late? It's only 3 pm- oh I apologize; I forgot about the time difference."

"Why'd you call?" _  
_

"I don't get a 'Hello' or anything?"

"You never call me without a reason."  _And you rarely ever answer your phone._

"Well then," her tone changed from pleasant to malicious in less than a second, "remember that conversation we had?"

He didn't necessarily want to remember it, "Yes."

"Have you thought about it?"

"No," he said bluntly.

"Haruka, I don't want to have this conversation with you again. You need to do something. I'm not going to repeat myself. What would have your grandmother thought? She wouldn't be pleased with you either. Just think about all the effort she put into raising you while we weren't there? Don't be a disappointment. Your father and I haven't sent money to her for years to help raise you for you to turn out like this."

Haru was getting annoyed. He didn't need his mother, who was hardly ever around, to start lecturing him about his future and using his grandmother as her examples. He just wanted to hang up and get back in the tub. He knew that this wouldn't end well, not with his mother at least. "I told you that I-"

"No! Haruka, I'm tired of you telling me the same answer. I'm sick and tired of  **you**." There was a pause, "Call me when you figure out what you're going to do. I'm not going to argue over this again." Then the line went dead.

Haru lowered his arm down to his side. "'Don't be a disappointment?'"  _I already know what I am. You've said worse things to me before; how was I supposed to respond? You said I was nothing last time and that swimming was meaningless._ He dropped his phone.  _I don't know why you called; it's not like you cared anyway. You never have. No matter what I say, it's never good enough._  His mood changed completely. _I'm not good enough. I'm selfish. I'm worthless. I'm a disappointment. I'm nothing._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know I haven't updated in a while. I'm still adjusting to college life so give me some slack lol. Also, I realize this chapter is pretty short unlike what I originally planned.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed! xx


	6. Silence

_"I_ _can hold my breath_  
_I can bite my tongue_  
_I can stay awake for days_  
_If that's what you want_  
_Be your number one..."_

Haru looked over at the tub still filled with water. The faces of his friends passed through his mind and ended with the sight of his grandmother's disappointed face.  _Mother, if I'm such a burden, why'd you bother keeping me around? You should've aborted me. You would've saved everyone the trouble of being with me. I'm sorry for being here. I'll be gone soon._ He looked down at his phone and started to text. All of his friends got the same message.

_"_ _I can fake a smile_  
I can force a laugh  
I can dance and play the part  
If that's what you ask  
Give you all I am..."

He stepped into the bathtub. Haru sat down slowly and slid further under the surface than before. His entire body was submerged under water...

_"But I'm only human_  
And I bleed when I fall down  
I'm only human  
And I crash and I break down  
Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
You build me up and then I fall apart  
'Cause I'm only human"

**_Meanwhile..._ **

Everyone opened their phone to the same text:

_"Sender: Nanase Haruka  
__Received: 2:58 am_  
Subject: [Untitled]

_I'm sorry."_

While Nagisa and Rei were at a complete lost at what he was talking about, Rin and Makoto understood it right away. They both rushed out of bed with one thought, "Please don't let me be too late." Makoto rushed out of his house as quietly as he could. He couldn't stop himself from sweating and breathing heavily. Neither could Rin. He ran faster than he ever had before.

Makoto was running out of his house with tears in his eyes.  _Haru, please. Please be okay. Please don't do this. Haru._

Rin was full on bawling his eyes out while running down every street he had to get to Haru's place.

Makoto got to the house first, considering where he came from was much closer. The front door was locked so he started banging on it until he finally gave up and kicked it open. The door almost fell off the hinges for how hard it was kicked. It flung open to a dark house. He ran into Haru's bedroom, in hopes that the boy would be lying in bed asleep. But there was none. Makoto quickly turned around and ran into the bathroom. There was Haruka, laying in the bottom of the tub. No air bubbles were coming from his nose or mouth. The water was completely still. Makoto reached down and yanked the boy out of the water and laid him down on the cold tile floor. He put his ear against Haru's chest. He heard nothing. No beating nor breathing. His eyes widen as he pumped Haru's chest. "Haru! Haru! Please! Wake up! Please!"

Rin finally reached the house. He could hear Makoto's screaming from the front door. His whole face was red. One percent from running, 99 percent from crying. With heavy breaths, he made his final dash into the bathroom where he found Haru unconscious on the floor and Makoto trying to give him CPR. The situation was almost exactly like the first time except now, he did this on purpose.

Makoto was pumping as fast as he could and trying to force air into Haru's lungs but nothing was working. Unlike last time, Rin called an ambulance before he got there. He didn't need to know the details to know what "I'm sorry" meant at this point from the dolphin. Rin bent down beside the other two and watched Makoto efforts. By that time, Rin couldn't speak. His throat hurt so much, he couldn't make a sound, only low cracks of his voice. Makoto was still calling out Haru's name.

Haru's body was getting paler by the second. Makoto was beginning to break.  _Please Haru, please. I'm not letting you go. Please, just open your eyes. Take a breath. Something! Let me know that you're still here! Please, Haru!_

Rin couldn't stand the scene that was playing out in front of him. He gathered all the strength he had and screamed, "HARUKA!"

His voice traveled through Haru's body and to the last of his consciousness.  _Rin?_ He couldn't hear anything up until then. He had been slowly fading. There was a stabbing feeling in his chest. It burned so much, it felt like the flames of the sun were in his lungs. His body jerked and he began to cough violently.

Makoto stopped pumped and blinked. Haru subconsciously turned his head to the side. Water poured out of his lungs and onto the floor. Tears in both Rin and Makoto's eyes came to a sudden halt for a minute with the knowledge that their friend was still alive. When Haru stopped coughing, both boys came closer to his face.

"Haru?"

"Haru-chan?"

Haru turned his head back to face the two. His eyes were glazed and barely open. His whispered, "D-drop...the...'-chan'." With that, his eyes closed and his head fell off to the side. Haru had used his last bit of strength to say those words. His body went limp. There was only so much that a body can take before it totally falls apart. Rin and Makoto let out a bloodcurdling scream of Haru's name as the siren of the ambulance echoed in the background.

* * *

Makoto and Rin sat in the ambulance as they watched the paramedics restart Haru's heartbeat three times. Rin had the hold Makoto in his arms before he keeled over and hit the floor. They thought that because Haru was able to speak, even a little bit, that he'd be okay. Unfortunately, his body proved otherwise. The paramedics were trying to stabilize him for a while. It seemed like getting to the hospital took longer than usual. Makoto turned his face away from Haru. He couldn't stand to look at his friend in that condition. He could feel a knife pushing its way through his heart. Rin couldn't look either. He watched Makoto break down in his arms. He wanted to tell him that everything would be okay but he wasn't sure himself.  _What if Haru doesn't make it? What if this is it? Haru, why would you do this? This isn't fair. Wake up Haru. Wake up._

_Four hours later..._

The doctor was checking his vitals until he walked out into the waiting area where the boys were seated. They both sat there with their heads hung low. They were completely drained of energy. Rin glanced over at the orca, "Yo, did you call your parents?"

Makoto nodded slowly, "Hai. Did you call Gou?"

Rin sat back and leaned his head against the wall, "Yeah. She's coming here after she gets Rei and Nagisa."

Soon as he finished, the doctor stood in front of them, "Are you Nanase-kun's family?"

The boys shook their heads. Makoto spoke up, "He doesn't have a family. We're his friends."

The doctor looked down at his clipboard, "I see," he looked back up at the sorrowful faces, "Come with me."

They quickly stood up and regained most of their energy. Rin spoke up, "Is he okay?"

The doctor didn't answer. He just continued to lead them down the hallway. Rin began to yell, "Oi! I'm talking to you!" The doctor ignored Rin and gestured towards a doctor, "See for yourself." He led the boys in the room. Haru lay in the hospital bed with a tube down his throat and multiple sensors connected to his chest. The heart monitor was barely making a sound. Makoto ran over to Haru's side and touched his hand, "Haru? Haru, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there fast enough."

Rin was staring at the monitor. The line on the screen was making little to no movement. The shark gradually raised his hand and pointed at the screen, "U-um...his heart..."

The doctor closed his eyes and nodded, "I know. His heart and lungs have taken severe damage due to the lack of oxygen."

Makoto turned to the doctor just in time to hear those words, "Then that means..."

"Yes, Nanase-kun could possibly have brain damage as well."

 

* * *

Makoto laid his head on Haru's chest and listened to Haru's forced breathing. The doctor looked at him sorrowfully then back at Rin. He lowered his eyes to his clipboard, "I'm sorry. We won't know for sure until he wakes up and that possibility alone isn't very high."

Rin bit his bottom lip and looked down, "There isn't anything you can do?"

The doctor shook his head, "There would be if there weren't so much damage to his vital organs. In this case, we've done just about everything." He paused, "Again, I apologize." He left the two boys alone in the room. Rin leaned against a wall and let his bangs cover his eyes as he allowed tears to fall from his eyes. Just then, Rei and Nagisa burst through the door and spoke simultaneously, "Haru!" "Haruka-senpai!"

They froze when they saw the scene playing out in front of them. Makoto laying on Haru's chest, Rin silently crying, and Haru connecting to numerous machines. Nagisa went over to Makoto after deciding it was a bad idea to go to Rin. "Mako-chan? What happened?"

Makoto lifted himself up slowly and looked at Nagisa with glassy eyes.  _That's it. I need to tell them._ "H-Haru tried to d-drown himself."

Rei and Nagisa yelled, "What!?"

Rei spoke up first, "Why? What happened?"

Makoto looked down at the resting body beneath him, "I guess his depression got to him." He took a deep breath then faced the younger boys, "He's been like that for a while but he didn't want help. H-he," Makoto was trying to keep himself from crying, "He stopped eating and s-started cutting himself." Tears poured out of his eyes. He couldn't speak anymore.

Nagisa finally turned towards Rin. He was still attempting to be optimistic, "He's going to be okay right?"

Rin glanced up for a second with red, puffy eyes. "We don't know. The doctor said that his heart and lungs took a shit ton of harm. He even said that if Haru wakes up, he..."

Rei and Nagisa got closer, "He what?"

Rin forced out the words, "Haru could have brain damage."

Nagisa's face turned red as both he and the butterfly began to sob.

* * *

_Two weeks later:_

Makoto came into the room. Haru laid there, completely still. He had been struggling for the past couple of days. His heart seemed to be trying to give out. It stopped twice during the week. The time taking to get it working again took longer and longer. This was the only thing on Makoto's mind.  _I wonder if Haru's ever going to wake up. I mean, even if he does, would he be the same? Haru, what pushed you this far? Why? Just why? I don't, I don't understand any of this._

He took hold of Haru's hand and squeezed.  _Haru, please open your eyes at least. I'm not asking for anything else, only that. I know the doctor said that his coma could last a while but, I can't deal with this. This isn't right._

Haru's hand felt like a cold dead fish. Makoto stared at it for a moment before he noticed that the beating on the monitor was becoming faster. He could feel himself sweating.  _Is Haru about to have a heart attack?_ His paranoia was going wild. Just then, there was a loud noise. Makoto quickly moved his eyes to the boy's face. Haruka was choking on the breathing tube. The orca reached over and pushed an emergency button for the doctor repeatedly.

The doctor came in about a minute later with a nurse. When he saw Haru choking he looked at Makoto, "I need you to leave for a moment."

"H-hai." Makoto escorted himself out of the room and leaned against a wall while he listened to Haru's coughs. The orca only waited a couple of minutes before the doctor and nurse came out. Makoto rushed forward, "Is he alright!?"

The doctor nodded, "Nanase-kun is fine. You may go in now." The two left Makoto there before he decided to finally walk in. When he pushed the door open, he could sense that something was different.

**_To be continued..._ **


	7. Memories

Makoto looked at Haru. It had only been two weeks since Haru fell into a coma but it seemed like forever that he last saw the color of Haru's eyes. The sight of them staring off into space startled him. Makoto couldn't move. He was frozen in place, just watching the dolphin blink for the first time in a while. He stood still for a moment before the doctor came back into the room. He touched Makoto's shoulder, "Yes, Nanase-kun is awake." Makoto finally broke out of his trance. He opened his mouth to say something but the doctor cut him off.

"Although Nanase-kun's eyes are open, he doesn't seem to be able to move them around." He walked over to Haru and began to check his vitals, "This could be temporary though. It may take some time before he does."

"Is he, not actually awake?" Makoto said with his eyes now lowered to the floor.

The doctor shook his head, "Unlike some patients when they come out of a coma, he isn't experiencing 'empty' wake-sleep. Nanase-kun is most definitely awake. He can hear and make very subtle movements. He cannot speak yet so please, do not expect an answer vocally." He finished up and walked back over to Makoto, "As far as I can see so far, he's going to be fine."

"So far?"

The doctor nodded, "Like I said, this could all my temporary considering that his body was almost completely oxygen deprived. It's all a matter of time on if he'll go back to normal, but..." he cleared his throat "...he  _is_ showing some signs of recovery. So don't fret. Have faith in your friend's ability to fight." He gave the orca a soft smile and made his way out of the room.

Makoto stood there for a moment.  _Doctor, I don't know if Haru **wants** to fight. _He went over to Haru's side and grabbed his hand. Haru squeezed his hand gently. Being the emotional human Makoto is, his eyes began to water. "H-Haru?" The dolphin squeezed his hand again to confirm that he heard him. Makoto didn't look Haru in his paralyzed eyes. Instead, he looked at the sheets and began to speak.

"Haru," he took a deep breath to collect himself, "I don't know what made you do this, but I want to. I want to know everything.  _Everything_ , from the beginning of this all." He paused to remember the scene of finding Haru in the tub, "Haru, you don't know how scared me and Rin were when we found you. I know I don't understand but, none of us want you to leave. We-we can't think about what it'd be like without you." He laid his head on Haru's chest, listening to his heartbeat, "Haru, I'm sorry."

By this time, Haru's eyes were closed once more.  _Makoto, I still don't get why you're apologizing. Even when I tried to break away, I'm still causing you pain._ He gave one more squeeze before he fell asleep. He used up all the strength he had at the time.

* * *

_The next day:_

Haruka was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling as he had been for a while. The doctor came into the room and as painful as it was, Haru shifted his eyes towards the figure. The doctor was looking at his clipboard, flipping through pages, then looked up to meet two blue orbs staring at him. "Ah, you're awake. Good." He walked over to the edge of the bed, "Nanase-kun, are you able to speak?"

Haru gave a slight nod and spoke with an extremely hoarse voice, "Hai."

He nodded, "Very good. I'll keep this brief for the sake of your throat." The doctor took a seat in the chair next to the Haru's bed, "Nanase-kun, I need to have a very important talk with you. I was informed that this was a suicide attempt, is that true?"

Haru hesitated, afraid of answering.  _What'll happen if I say yes? Will I just be another disappointment? No, I wasn't trying to kill myself; I was trying to be free._ _I-I can't tell him._ Haru's hands were shaking.  _He'll just look down on me. All I do is disappoint. All I ever do is disappoint the people around me._ He took a deep breath, "Hai."

The doctor looked down at his clipboard and began writing. "May I ask why?"

Without any hesitation, Haru spoke softly, "I'm not good enough. I'll never be enough." He didn't mean for those words to slip but it was too late to try to take them back.

The doctor continued writing, "I see."

The conversation went on for almost an hour. Haru felt like crying the entire time. The room felt hot and he avoided eye contact. He felt humiliated.  _I knew it. I'm just a burden to everyone._ Frustrated tears started forming in his eyes.  _I bet everyone hates me by now. Makoto. Rin. Nagisa. Rei...and I definitely know my mother hates me. How would she look at me now? She wouldn't care. She wouldn't care about any of this. She's never cared. Never._

* * *

A few weeks later, swim season was over for the team with all the things that had been happening to Haru. He was seeing a psychiatrist every other day. He was put on heavier doses of antidepressants and during each session, he was asked if he had taken them. The dolphin's body still wasn't back too 100% but it was getting there. After suffering a seizure, damage to his vital organs, a coma, and slight brain damage, his body was frail.

The school was almost out for the summer break. While other students, were busy planning vacations with their friends, the swim team was still hanging out by the pool whenever possible.

Haruka had always been pretty quiet but it had gotten to an entirely different level. He was speaking less than usual. Almost rarely ever. He'd give nonverbal responses but as for actually opening his mouth, it wasn't happening, at least not in public it was.

He'd been in the pool, silently doing laps without acknowledging anyone around him. Just back and forth, back and forth. All of them were in the water practicing their own weaknesses.

Gou blew her whistle and pointed at Rei, "Rei-senpai! Pick up your speed! We need more than turtle strokes!"

"H-hai!" He caught his break and jumped back in the water as Gou timed him.

Eventually, Haru climbed out of the pool and went into the locker room. Nagisa put on his usual pouty face.  _I thought he was getting better… It's almost his birthday. He should be happy! Happy!_  He got out of the water and followed the dolphin. When he came in, he heard the sound of water. Nagisa peaked around one of the walls to see Haru standing there in the shower with a blank expression on his face but Nagisa knew better. He'd known Haru for years. A stoic face meant that he wasn't in a good place. Up until now, Nagisa had only seen this expression from Haru once, when his grandmother passed away. Just then, a tear glided down Haru's cheek. As more tears fell, the redder his eyes became but his face never changed.  _They look up to me and I can't even do this one simple thing right anymore!_ He just kept his gaze on the shower head. After a moment, Haru looked down at his body and sneered. His body had gone through so many changes lately that he barely recognized it. He closed his eyes and sighed then reached forward to turn off the water. Nagisa averted his eyes and leaned back against the wall he was hiding behind.  _Haru-chan..._

* * *

_Three days later - 7:30 pm_

Haru was in the kitchen preparing dinner. The mackerel lay in the frying pan while Haru watched it grimly. Since waking up from the coma, he was still trying to get back to his normal self which included the problems he had been having with his memory. There were certain tasks he still had trouble doing, swimming being one of them which aggravated him more than anything but he was adamant about hiding his difficulties from his teammates and even his psychiatrist. Haruka didn't want to admit to himself that he needed more help than he figured. The dolphin was so deep in thought that he hadn't been paying attention to the fish. The grease in the pan suddenly popped and landed on the hand that was holding on the pan. The oil startled him so badly that he accidentally hit the pan. As the pan began to fall to the floor, Haruka hastily backed away from it. With eyes wide, he stared at the pan on the floor and the boiling grease spreading from beneath it. His eyes narrowed as he moved further away until his back hit the wall. He lifted his arm and glanced at the worsening burn on his hand. Haru closed his eyes, let out a deep breath, dropped his arm by his side, and looked up towards the ceiling. There were dark bags under his eyes from countless sleepless nights filled with ongoing thoughts mixed with the fatigue that his medication caused him. He let himself slide down the wall until he was sitting in a fetal position on the floor. He folded his arms on his knees and lowered his head. His eyes gradually became heavier with each passing minute he sat there. The exhaustion overtook himself. Haruka ended up falling asleep where he was.

_Meanwhile..._

The rest of the team and Rin were over Makoto's place planning for Haruka's birthday. They were discussing it for hours, going back and forth on what they wanted to do versus what would excite Haru. Makoto was going over the list that Rei made while they were all talking. The orca was writing names beside each task.

"Okay Rin, you're in charge of the cake." Makoto said without even glancing at the boy.

Rin raised an eyebrow, "Why me? Why not one of them?"

Makoto's green eyes met with Rin's red ones with a shadow cast over them but still kept a smile on his face, "Because I trust you."

Rin then recalled last year when they were in charge of getting the cake, they managed to both get it and destroy it. Rin sighed and rolled his eyes, "Alright then what are those two doing?"

Makoto looked back down at the list, "Nagisa you're on-"

Before he could finish, Nagisa leaned over the table and raised his hand, "Balloons!"

Rei pushed his glasses up, "That's not on the list."

Nagisa turned around to look at Rei and puffed out his cheeks, "Haru needs balloons!"

"It's not on the list."

"Balloons!"

"List."

"Balloons!"

"List!"

"Ba-

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Rin yelled. He sat back and pushed his hair out of his face, "You're giving me a headache, geez."

Makoto nervously spoke up, "Y-you can do balloons Nagisa."

The night continued this way until they parted ways and Makoto went to bed, ready to start with the plans in the morning.

* * *

_1:47 am_

Haru slowly lifted his head to the flickering of the kitchen light. He blinked as he looked at the light. A couple of minutes passed before he looked down and steadily brought himself to his feet. He glanced at the burn on his hand again then over at the pan on the floor. That's when he noticed that this entire time, the stove was still on. He scowled and walked over to it. When he finally turned it off, he turned to clean up the mess on the floor that was beginning to give off a foul smell from the mackerel. Once the kitchen was back in order, Haru started towards his bedroom. He rubbed the back of his neck that had to begin to ache from the position he was sleeping in. He climbed into bed and emptily stared at the ceiling.  _Happy birthday Haruka._

**_To be continued..._ **


End file.
